Brothers and Sisters in Recovery 🙏 I’ve been doing some thinking about my recovery program and I’ve decided it’s time for me to change things up a little. I love Narcotics Anonymous, and I’m grateful for everything NA has given me. But lately, I’ve felt like my recovery has become a little stale. I’m still committed to recovery, but I believe sometimes we have to be willing to step outside of our comfort zone and look at different ways of strengthening our program. Because of that, I’ve been looking into Recovery Dharma as an alternative or something I can add to what I’m already doing. I’m interested in learning something new, gaining a different perspective, and finding practices that help me continue growing spiritually and emotionally. I’ve learned that recovery isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. What works for one person may not work for another, and that’s okay. The important thing is that we keep moving forward and remain willing to do whatever is necessary to stay clean, ...
Brothers and Sisters in Recovery 🙏
So today I was thinking about pain.
I've done 23 years in prison, and during those years I lost a lot of friends and family. My father passed away. My mother had cancer. My sister died. I never got to attend a funeral. I never got to say goodbye. There were times when I wanted to kill myself simply because I couldn't see a way out of the sentence I was serving.
It was hard for me to live a normal life in there. I lived around violence, fear, anger, and loss. Eventually, I started using drugs to escape the pain. Maybe some people would call that weakness, but I challenge anybody to walk a mile in my shoes before judging me.
Today, I don't want to escape anymore.
I want peace.
I'm tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm tired of the violence. I'm tired of running from my feelings and trying to numb everything that hurts.
The strange thing about addiction is that I spent years incarcerated behind physical walls, and then I built another prison inside my own head with drugs.
When I finally got out of prison, I thought I was free. But I wasn't.
I was still incarcerated in my own mind and in my own body. PTSD became another prison. The memories, the nightmares, the anxiety, the anger, and the things I experienced followed me through those prison gates.
But recovery has given me something drugs never could:
A chance at peace.
Today, I'm 36 days clean after a relapse. I don't have the cravings, urges, or compulsions that once controlled me. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I still have a sick brain. I still have work to do. And I have to accept that recovery isn't something I can put on autopilot.
Every single day, I have to live with intention.
I have to be honest when I'm hurting. I have to reach out when I'm struggling. I have to go to meetings, talk to my sponsor, work my steps, and stay connected to the people who understand this disease.
Most importantly, I have to stop believing that I can handle everything by myself.
I've learned that being strong doesn't mean pretending you're okay. Sometimes strength is admitting, "I'm not okay, and I need help."
My past may explain some of my pain, but it doesn't have to determine my future.
I can't change the years I spent behind bars. I can't bring back the people I've lost. I can't erase the things I've experienced. But I can choose what I do with the life I have today.
And today, I choose recovery.
If you're hurting today, please don't isolate yourself. If you're struggling, reach out. If you've fallen, get back up. A relapse doesn't have to be the end of your story. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply make the decision to start again.
We don't have to carry yesterday into today.
One day at a time.
Just for today, I will not use.
Keep coming back.
Progress, not perfection.
Play the tape forward.
When the pain gets heavy, reach out instead of reaching for.
Surrender isn't weakness—it is the beginning of freedom.
Recovery is possible, one honest day at a time.
With love and gratitude,
Gary G
Gary, thank you for sharing from such a deeply vulnerable space. I have not been to prison, however there are other “prisons” that I built that kept me buried In shame and guilt. These other “prisons” are what I discovered were layers of beliefs or systems that were handed to me while others were self-imposed.
ReplyDeleteRecovery from substance use, codependency, PTSD, and the other things that surfaced while peeling back the layers has been worth all the work.
While I’ve been in recovery from a while, I still don’t have all the answers. This is why I stay. To remain teachable. I have been gifted this incredible life that allow me to meet more individuals like myself that together we share what works and how to stay.
This new way of life brought me here. Here is where I found your brief share of extraordinary life. Here is where I felt a sense of connection- of not being alone.
Here is where I hope to encourage you to keep writing so openly. Here is where your story has the potential to help connect and heal others, and in return the gift of healing you.
Thank you Gary!
Thank you both for sharing these very powerful stories. They say the hardest battles get assigned to the strongest warriors! Gary, I know you possess that “warrior” inside, so keep digging deep! Stay strong & keep building that life worth living!🫶
ReplyDeleteThank you Gary for another inspiring and insightful message. Your honesty gives me the strength to be honest. To know that I’m not alone that mask I wore my addiction. I don’t have to wear it in my recovery. Most importantly, it’s OK not to be OK. Just for today, I will not pick up worry
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